How To Be A Complete Idiot

Introduction

It is also worth noting that these are massively generalized categories. I have mainly focused on the male Dom and female sub as they tend to be the most common examples I see day-to-day. The Domme and male sub get relatively short sections as many of the things they do have already been covered above. So, in summary, try and remember that this is massively generalized: not everyone does everything (or even any of it) and much of what is true for one group is true for the others. Also, the names are deliberately chosen to not reflect anyone I know.

Martha The Sub

In her regular room, Martha is remarkably worthy. By becoming a host, and using that power, she has gained a sense of self-worth that her pre-net, housewifely existence did not permit her.

The first sign of Martha's worthiness is her language. You will often see things like "I/i expect Y/you to call E/everyone Sir/Ma'am as appropriate if they're a Dom/may*, or sub/slave if they're a sub/slave, because I/i'm an I/idiot who doesn't understand what I/i'm spouting anyway but it makes M/me feel important."

The *note above is because she also believes Dommes are pronounced Dommays. The notion that just as you pronounce Femme as Fem, not Femmay, you pronounce Domme as Dom, is totally missed on her. After all, she saw Dom/me used on Castle Realm, misinterpreted it as Dommay at the time, and now quotes it as gospel.

Of course, the already impenetrable language is rarely commented upon as no one can read it through her delightfully charming use of special characters. In Marthaland, the British pound sign does look a lot like an 'f' and therefore should be substituted whenever possible. While the British may be pained, Scandinavians are driven almost to tears by her need to use umlauts over every vowel.

Should anyone fail to use the correct language in her presence, she is fast to criticize or, even better, ban them from the room. This is the second way in which Martha likes to show how worthy she is.

Martha's love of banning goes beyond those who do not use the correct language. Should anyone dare argue with her Dom (whose collar she was given on her first night in the room), they too will be kicked. After all, any act is justified when serving her Dom, no matter how ill-informed or abusive. As I am sure you will have already realised - it makes her a better, more worthy sub.

The next group to get banned is anyone that mentions Gor. She does not really understand what Gor is but firmly believes that any form of BDSM other than her own is evil and should never be tolerated. The notion of Your Kink Is Not My Kink But It's OK is totally lost on her, though that does not stop her quoting it rabidly without the slightest hint of understanding.

Why the hatred of Gor? A friend of hers once knew someone who might have been murdered - twice, in the snow, up hill both ways. Granted, half the so called facts of her story are dubious hearsay at best, but it confirms what she wants to believe so it must be true.

When all of her regular-room based worthiness just is not proving to be enough, Martha creates another identity and moves to an auction room. Here she will put herself up for auction, describing a person entirely unlike the reality. Doms - and strangely quite a few other alleged subs - will then proceed to shout semi-random, meaningless numbers out until the auctioneer yells, "stop." The point of this auction is to give her a sense of validation at the high price she fetched. That such behavior strays dangerously in to the realm of topping from the bottom is lost on her. Of course she never really intended to honor the contract anyway - unless the Dom has a cute picture - and immediately logs out afterwards, using a different screen name until the bought contract expires.

Cutting the connection is, of course, a common trick that Martha likes to employ. As soon as something gets difficult, rather than address the issue, she would rather simply hide from it. While simply bad taste in the case of auctions, it is a rude trick to pull in place of a safeword and most disturbingly ensures she will never address any of the issues that her submission may raise.

Back in her main room, and safe again, she uses the word "Sister" more often than a bad R&B video. Apparently that is what all submissives call all other submissives. Always. Anyone who does not also do so is clearly being rude. That is OK though - she can always ban them too.

After a while, Martha took to meeting people in real life too, despite her being married. She then needs a vast amount of love and support from her friends as her life is a total disaster that she seems incapable of sorting out. Strangely enough, as soon as it stops being interesting, she sorts it out each time.

Dan The Dom

With the expert knowledge he believes himself to have, Dan will occasionally start to lecture the room. His [inaccurate] interpretation of Screw The Roses is somewhat intermingled with random beliefs he has picked up from on-line porn. More often than not, his lectures will be farcical but that is alright because Martha will kick anyone who disagrees with him.

Dan's screen name is Master_Domliness and he expects every sub in the room to call him Master. That he has absolutely no clue what claiming to be a Master really means is missed on him. He believes himself to be like other Doms only a bit wiser, therefore it feels appropriate.

He regularly announces to the room that every Dom must be called "Sir" (or Master) and every Domme "Ma'am", with every personal pronoun capitalized. Every sub must use lowercase and act submissively to every Dominant, regardless of ownership. Anyone who dares not to abide by these rules will be banned - regardless of the notions of correct English or that just because you are a sub, it does not necessarily mean you are anything more than another vanilla individual to anyone other than your Dominant.

Dan has instituted the policy of demanding Age/Sex/Location from anyone entering the room. In a virtual environment where none of it really makes a difference it still lets him quickly tell who he wants to hit on. He likes to justify the policy, and Martha will back him up, by saying that it is to ensure no minors enter. Again, the notion that a teenager can simply lie in such an environment is missed on them both.

Once Dan has established that someone entering the room is female and in an acceptable age range, he proceeds to whisper them. His first question, ideally, will be direct and to the point, carefully avoiding any notion of manners or small talk (after all, he is a Dom, why would a Dom do any of those things?).

A perfect first question therefore is to demand "Bust/Hips/Waist?" or simply "What do you weigh?" If they are not 36D/24/36 and 105lbs, he will proceed to tell them that their breasts are too small or they are too fat. That such a combination is next to a physical impossibility is lost on Dan who is so used to being lied to by Martha that he thinks it is realistic. In the real world, Dan cannot actually tell a B from a D, a 36 from a 40 or a five-foot-eight 190lbs from reasonably over what he imagines 105lbs looks like. Of course, this is the virtual world in which such misinformed ideas really matter to him despite their being meaningless.

The fact that Dan happens to be in his fifties, weighs a little over 280lbs, smokes and drinks heavily, is totally unfit, balding with a charming brush-over style, not to mention unattractive and would be lucky to get anything with a pulse does not need to be mentioned here.

Should his lucky victim be found physically worthy, ever the charmer, Dan will use a line such as "Suck my dick, bitch!" After all, this is the height of sophistication. Should she be offended by such crassness, Dan will ban her for not being a genuine sub.

During the scene Dan will tell the sub to close her eyes and put her hands behind her back. Somehow he expects her to still be able to type and tell him how it feels.

After a brief scene involving remarkably unimaginative adjectives that lasts just until he manages to jerk off, he will ask for the submissive's email address. He will, of course, never email as he trawls for 30 second cyber-fucks every evening and cannot actually keep any of them straight in his head.

Like Martha, Dan's on-line expertise eventually convinced him that he should move to real world playing. At this point it turns out that Dan is also married. Strangely enough Martha actually believes that someone who breaks the trust and consent of marriage vows is not going to do exactly the same to her, mid-scene.

Sam The Sub

You see, upon entering a room, Sam forcefully and in no way submissively advertises his presence, demanding the attention of any Dommes in the room. Should there turn out to be no Dommes in the room - or none interested in him after his rude displays - he either pronounces the room "pathetic" or continues to make his demands every two minutes despite being regularly told to shut up.

Feeling somewhat uncomfortable in a room that is tired of listening to his offers of service, Sam then begins to feel the need to try and take control of things. Unfortunately, that means announcing a personal tidbit such as, "I like to wet myself!" while a totally unrelated conversation is going on. Whether the intent is to take charge of the conversation or maybe excite some Domme beyond all endurance is never actually explained. Sadly for Sam, that display never seems to achieve much and so, obsessing about what a freak people see him as, he desperately tries abuse as a way of remaining in control.

Much of this abusive behavior is really just a desperate attempt by Sam to catch the attention of a Domme. Legions of others have done exactly the same before him and many Dommes simply ignore most male subs because of it. Through his attempts to therefore be even more noticeable, the cycle continues.

All is not lost however. Should Sam be incapable of finding a Domme, he has one last option open to him. You see, Sam regularly logs on a Jenny, 21, 36D/24/36 and weighing 105lbs. He will even submit to Dan, a male, as he can either imagine Dan's really female or get off on seeing Jenny, who is based on a real world woman he can't obtain, being degraded.

Lou-Anne The Lady Domme

Lou-Anne believes firmly in abusing anyone who comes near her - whether consenting or not. This is her way of justifying her Dominance, as she is sure that all Doms look down on Dommes (in the case of Dan who believes all women basically 'need it', this may well be true). Sadly the notion that much of stylish Dominance is about the confidence that comes with it is missed on Lou-Anne. As a result, she confirms the notion in her very attempt to deny it.

Lou-Anne's life is made easy by the simplicity of finding a male submissive. Like moths throwing themselves against a light, Sam and others like him will beg for even a moment of her time. This ease at which she can come by subs means that Lou-Anne has no concept of respecting real world physical limitations.

When Lou-Anne finally made the move to real world play, she was left wondering why the guy safeworded and ran from the room. After all, all she wanted to do was start the first event of the night by pushing a needle through his left testicle. From her experience on line, surely all subs like that?!

SoulThief