Ideas For Long Distance Relationships
Introduction
A lot of use experience long distance D/s relationships for one reason or another. Sometimes we have met over the Internet. At other time, life forces us apart for a while. Coming up with inventive ideas for what to do, when you are unable to touch them, can become quite a challenge. So, here is a long list of ideas that can hopefully provide some starting points.
Consideration
All of the ideas have been kept deliberately short or they would have turned in to a whole book’s worth. As a result, I have not had space to emphasize safety considerations for each concept.As always, consider the implications to your submissive of the acts. Pushing things, particularly when you are removed enough not to be able to judge reactions easily can be risky. The last thing that you want to do is to overstep some limit and leave them hurt.
Health concerns are another area to watch. Think through what you are doing before ordering a submissive to try it. Will it cut off circulation or risk their health in some other way?
Finally, protect those who cannot consent. Keep exhibitionism play until late at night when children are asleep. If you want to play with public nudity, consider adult venues where people are happy to see that sort of things.
The Ideas
Submissive Journals
Submissive journals can be an incredibly useful yet simple tool for Dominants. By creating a journal in which your submissive writes all of their thoughts and feelings on their exploration of the scene, you have an immediate insight in to exactly what they are thinking; what they enjoy; what they do not; what you can push further.As well as a tool for gaining insight, submissive journals can help teach your submissive to open up to you and bring you both closer. By having to expose their thoughts and feelings to you - and having to trust you with those thoughts and feelings - it can be a very powerful way of strengthening your connection.
Depending on your circumstances, there are different ways of getting to read the journals. If you are only temporarily or periodically apart, you can wait until you are back together. If you are unable to be together at all, email works well - the ritual of having to send their thoughts daily or weekly can be another reinforcer. You may also find that either creating web pages or weblogs works well: prompting public admission of feelings, providing support to others in the scene and so on..
Emailing Fantasies
While submissive journals give you an insight to your submissive’s thoughts and feelings about what is happening to them, sometimes it can be valuable to gain an insight in to their fantasy life. As with submissive journals, opening their thoughts to you, letting you inside, is a powerful tool that brings you closer together.Having your submissive email you their fantasies, perhaps one a day or one a week, can be a great way of finding out what ideas excite them. It is important to remember that fantasies may be just that - fantasies. Be careful not to assume that every fantasy is one they wish to fulfill or fulfill in the way you interpret the fantasy to mean. Sometimes we all like to play through ideas to simply explore, not to realise.
Assigned Readings
How many times have you read an article or a book and thought what a great insight it gives? Sharing those pieces with your submissive can work on many levels: sharing your interests; ensuring they have at least a familiarity with new concepts; directing them to approach ideas from new directions.
Discussing Your Understandings
Just as a given book or article may give a new understanding, so too can simple discussion. It may seem like the most obvious suggestion in the world but all too often, with us Dominants, it is one we miss. The temptation is to want to appear infallible, to seem to know everything about everything. Don’t give in to it. Showing that you are able to take the time to stop and consider thoughts demonstrates a much deeper degree of self-confidence and self awareness that is, ultimately, a far greater indicator of how good a Dominant you are.Sharing ideas - even when they’re just thoughts about things you are not interested in - gives you a chance to spend more time exploring each other’s minds. Not only does this bring you closer overall, the better you understand your submissive, the better you can tailor experiences, the more impressive and all consuming your Dominance starts to appear.
Going To Movies "Together"
Hardly a kinky order but one that can still work to bring you both closer together is going to movies "together". By "together", what we mean is picking a movie that is playing wherever you both are, picking similar times to go an see it, then meeting up via the phone or internet to talk about it. While you can not actually be together, you can still share many of the same experiences and what they meant to you.
Orgasm Control
Sometimes it can be hard to cement your identity as your submissive’s sexual partner over a long distance. After all, every time they orgasm, they are probably masturbating, alone.Controlling when and how they can orgasm can help to build that connection. If you take away their right to orgasm without permission, substituting it with your giving them permission to do so when you are on the phone, or internet, with them, you can tie sexual pleasure in as something that needs you to be present.
Even without being present over the phone, or the net, having your submissive orgasm only in ways and at times you denote continues to emphasize your control over their sexuality and build that connection.
Piercings
Tattoos, let’s face it, seem to have a curse associated with them: the moment you get one connected to a relationship, the relationship ends and the tattoo becomes something you regret. While this is by no means always the case - and if it works for you, great - it does seem to happen way too often. Piercings, on the other hand, have the benefit of being [largely] removable.Traditionally, piercings have been a right of passage experience. They are painful. They are generally not as bad as the fear you build up, but the do hurt and, hurt of not, that fear is still there. As such they can be a powerful way of showing commitment to someone, being prepared to mark your body, painfully, on their command.
Having your submissive get a piercing for you leaves them with a permanent (at least until it is removed) reminder that you control their body. Every time it twinges, every time someone asks about it, every time they notice it in the mirror, or while undressing, they will remember who they got it for. Make it a "sexual" piercing of say their nipples or their genitals and every time they consider that part of their sexual identity, they are thinking of you too.
Adorning Piercings
Getting piercings can be powerful but what if your submissive is already pierced, or what if you want to take the notion of owning those parts of their bodies even further?With piercings such as labia piercings, a small padlock can be placed between them, effectively forming a chastity device.
For any piercing, you may want to consider having a jeweler make you a miniature "dog-tag" with perhaps your initials or mark upon it and a small hole for a piercing to pass through. This tag can then be worn with the piercing, marking them even more as your own property.
Consider hygiene with anything that is going to be in permanent or semi-permanent contact with the body. Do they need access to that part of their body to clean or during periods? How will their body’s chemistry react? Gold padlocks (you can get them from jewelers) are less likely to react with their environments which can help a lot. As for emergencies, remember that ball-closure-rings can be popped open pretty easily if really needed.
Losing The Right To Refuse
So, you cannot use your submissive sexually but you want them to know that they are yours to have used sexually? Consider taking away their right to refuse some forms of sexual advance. Realistically, you do not want them put in danger so you need to consider quite what their rules are, but you can still take a lot from them.Depending on your submissive, their capabilities and your feelings about risks, you may not want to go so far as ordering them to respond favorably to every sexual advance but you could still have them encourage advances that place them at no risk (directly from the other person or from unsafe sex).
Even relatively simple orders can be effective. Imagine having to respond to every construction worker or frat-boy that yells, "Show us your breasts!" Imagine having to hang out at a club and retire to a corner with every person with roving hands that shows an interest.
Sometimes submissives pursue vanilla lives and relationships while submissive to a Dominant via the net. If that’s the case, and you are mature enough to handle it, consider controlling the pace of their relationships. Think of what will be going through your submissive’s head all night if they know they have to perform oral sex on their date - not for them but to please you.
Wearing A Collar
Personally, we find collars, their being given and their being worn, to be something very significant. That said, we realise others have different interpretations, that people often use different degrees of collar (such as training, ownership, ownership for life, etc.) and that that significance can be something powerful to play with. So, should you and your submissive want to explore the significance of collars, there are a lot of things you can do with them, even over a long distance relationship.You may want to have them wear their collar whenever they are home, alone. This gets them spending their personal time thinking of themselves as your possession, constantly marked as such.
If they are comfortable and enjoy wearing your collar in private, consider extending it to weekends. Have them explore how it feels to be seen in public wearing a collar - while they shop at the mall, do their grocery shopping, have a picnic. This gives them the chance to see how it feels to be marked, in public, as a possession. Some people will, sadly, give them a hard time about it but deadpanning them usually kills any enjoyment someone can get from harassing them. Besides, with the adoption of the BDSM world as a fashion statement, most people either ignore it or are complimentary.
Finally, if your submissive is comfortable wearing their collar when at home and during their free time, you may want to have them move to wearing it all of the time. Some employers really do not care about collars. With others, it can be a major issue and it might be worth considering a less obvious, but nonetheless significant, form. Either way, wearing your collar all of the time, being constantly reminded and marked as your property, can be a very powerful thing.
You may want to build the focus on collar wearing by addressing the notion of their never truly being naked unless they are without their collar. If you are also working with their nudity, keep your collar on them and reassure them that they’re never totally exposed, that they are always protected, so long as they are wearing it. Should they be dressed but without the collar, focus on that as much more undressed. This way you build up yet more of a connection between them and your collar, making it something desirable to have with them at all times and, consequently, something deeply valued.
Nudity At Home
For many of in the scene, servitude and sexual servitude are synonymous. Realistically though, how much of any day can be spent directly focusing on it before, for all the best intentions in the world, it starts to fade? Keeping your submissive nude, whenever home alone, maintains that constant association with their body being exposed and vulnerable at your whim, yet moves it in to something that can be maintained.Building upon this base can also be beneficial should you move on to playing with others or going to play parties. Making nudity a natural state can help your submissive to find these experiences a little more comfortable than were they simply thrust upon them.
Modern culture tends to give most of us very negative body images. We hide beneath baggy sweatshirts; we undress with the lights off. Spending time nude forces us, little by little to address our bodies and, a small part at a time, learn to accept them again. This can be a real benefit to having your submissive spend their time along in the nude. After all, who doesn’t want a submissive with a better body image, more confidence in it and who feels more able to let you do as you will with it?
Nudity In Front Of A Window
Should you want to move on to slightly more daring exhibitionism based play, windows can offer all sorts of possibilities. The risk and fear of getting caught can be a powerful turn on for some people. Their bodies heighten all of their senses, straining to capture any warning. When the stimulus is taken away, it can leave them buzzed and incredibly sensitive.On a simple level, this could be as little as not allowing your submissive to close curtains before undressing. Alternatively, have them leave the curtains or blinds open while you play through another scene.
If you wish to progress, try having your submissive stand in a position that would obviously be less "accidental". Having to stand directly in front of the window for twenty seconds, hands clasped behind their head, unable to move, forces them to accept that anyone viewing them would know their little secret. Should you wish to push further still, try having them press against the glass - this adds the sensation of cold glass against their nipples, buttocks or genitals as well as the indignity of their bodies squishing in to crude shapes.
Another fun aspect with play in front of windows is to have them wait with their eyes closed. This leaves them free to dwell on every sound, every thought of who might or might not be able to see them.
Should you wish to make the scene somewhat safer than they perceive, consider how you set it up. It is actually next to impossible to look in to a dark room: so long as it is night time, the light is off and no streetlights are casting their light in, your submissive remains hidden. Standing back in to a room reduces the range of angles anyone can see in from: other floors, further down the street, they all become blocked by the angle. The height of the window plays a difference: a high windowsill can leave only the top of their torso on display.
As a general note regarding safety towards others, consider keeping exhibitionism based play until late at night when children are not going to stumble across it.
No Underwear
Should you wish to move exhibitionism based play to a more public setting, yet keep it relatively restrained and personal, removing your submissive’s right to wear underwear - either temporarily or permanently - can be a useful trick.Without underwear, every short skirt becomes a risk from every gust of wind and every time they need to bend over. Rough clothing such as denim jeans or woolen sweaters begins to rub all kinds of sensitive places.
An addition, for submissives wearing skirts with no underwear, can be to have them lift the back of their skirt when sitting. Now every surface commands their attention (and reminds them of their state): leather is cool and slick; coarse fabrics, itchy; metal can get hot or cold enough to illicit yelps from the unexpecting.
Should you with to push further, having your submissive have to leave their legs uncrossed (think basic instinct), or bend at the waist, not from the knees, provides an array of opportunities for accidental deliberate displays.
Genital And Breast Bondage
As with no underwear, selectively placed bondage is something that can be worn under clothes. Under loose clothing, it can be near unnoticeable while tighter clothing can leave people sensing something is different yet being too polite to ask. Sensually, there is both the experience of coarse, restraining bondage in all kinds of interesting places, mixed with the delicious secret of knowing they are able to take such debauchery into a public setting.Beware of how long you order your submissive to keep the bondage in place. You run the risk of cutting off blood supplies, causing pressure sores, rope burns and all kinds of other issues, so, not being there to keep a careful watch, you will probably want to limit the time spent.
There is not time to go in to a full description of genital and breast bondage at this point but here are a few simple ideas you might like to try:
For female genitals, tie several turns of rough line around her waist to provide a support. Loop the line around the belt part, a couple of times, at the front, run it down between her legs, back up and loop around the back of the belt. Pull it tight so that it separates her labia and presses the rough line against all the most sensitive places. Now repeat several more times.
For breasts, loop line tightly around one breast several times. Once it is secure, take the line behind her neck, back down the other side and repeat.
For male genitals, consider a small drawstring bag, just large enough for the testicles and un-erect penis. Place the bag over the genitals, draw tightly closed and tie the string shut.
Objectified Clothing
What we wear often says a lot about us. As a consequence, we tend to take a lot of pride in it and a lot of care not to create "the wrong image". Sometimes it can be entertaining to create exactly that wrong image and have your submissive be seen in public. Doing so forces them to deal with people’s reactions, having attention drawn to their sexuality, and reminds them throughout who they are doing it for - again, building the mental connection as your possession.As for the image you go for, the choices are almost endless: a smart business suit, the jacket buttoned but obviously no blouse or brassiere underneath; a sheer blouse that leaves little to the imagination; a blouse that is unbuttoned to below the breasts; entirely too short skirts; fishnet stockings; too bright, obvious makeup; ripped jeans; hot pants. You have the whole range from smart and stylish but exposed, through slut, to punk - whatever suits you both. There is even the simple option of wearing a white t-shirt, with nothing else, out in the rain.
Fine Cotton Handcuffs
Want to mix bondage with exhibitionism? Take a piece of fine sewing cotton, about eighteen inches to two feet long. Tie a slipknot in both ends. Now have your submissive place their hands through each loop, behind their backs, and draw it tight. The result: next to invisible handcuffs that can be easily broken in an emergency.Add a public task - such as a five-minute walk with a sheer blouse on, or sitting exposed in an adult theater, free for the wandering hands of other patrons. Now set the rule that, if the handcuffs come back broken, they will be sent out to try something harder. All of a sudden, those handcuffs, while safe in emergencies, can become just as strong as their steel counterparts.
Remote Vibrations
Want to be able to turn your submissive on remotely? Have them place a small pager, set to vibrate, in to their underwear. Now, whenever you wish, you can page them and remind them exactly who has control of their body.
Carrying Messages
Want to mark your submissive as your own? Why not do exactly that?You can explore having them spend the day at work, knowing that they have lewd messages, or marks of ownership written all over their bodies. Alternatively, for female submissives, have them write whatever statement you wish on a sheet of printer sized paper, fold it in to four, then roll it in to a six inch long tube. Now you have something that can be inserted in to their body, leaving them painfully aware of it, all day long. If you want to take it further, why not have them forced to deliver that message to someone in the local area?
Sending Photos
If you want to work with your submissive losing any rights to their nudity and who sees it, a good, early step can be to have them directed to send you pictures of themselves.Web cams are cheap, often under thirty dollars, and capable of taking still pictures that can be emailed. Alternatively, Polaroid cameras allow photos to be taken without processing. If you really need to, you can even have your submissive lean over a scanner.
Start with something simple. Many people are concerned about having something traceable to them that they have lost control of. While this is something you may want to work through, separately - if you are taking this freedom away - it is also something you can work around. Consider having them take photos from the neck down or use a simple image editor to place a black box over their faces. While this allows them to maintain a degree of security, it also allows you both to start exploring the concept of their bodies - and images of them - belonging to you.
Placing Photos On The Net
The next step on, from having your submissive send you photos, is to take away their rights as to who sees them. The fear of anyone getting to see them, mixed with the taboo, can create a very strong combination - especially when mixed with their learning and experiencing your have the right to do whatever you wish with their bodies and its image.Whether anonymous or including their faces, there are a lot of ways you can start to make their images available: Emailing them to scene friends is one option. Adult newsgroups provide another appreciative forum. Alternatively there are adult websites that are only too happy to have amateur contributions or you could open your own, dedicated to your particular submissive.
Dropping Pictures In Public
Another method of forcing your submissive to accept that they have no right to who sees them is to have them "drop" pictures of themselves in semi-public places.You want to be careful that no children can come in to contact with them but places like the opposite sex’s restroom at a bar can be ideal. Sneaking in without being caught is one part of the challenge. Having to stay sitting in the bar, watching patrons go in to the rest room, knowing what they must be seeing, can add to the humiliation or excitement.
Enduring Pain
Pain play can be difficult to control over distance. After all, for all the will in the world, it is next to impossible to spank yourself. A good solution to this is to find something that can inflict a constant degree of pain without needing much supervision.Clothespins work well - though have only one intensity. If you wish to adjust the intensity, try varying the location slightly: towards the tip of a nipple tends to make things more painful; further back tends to reduce the effect. Alternatively, try adjustable clamps and having your submissive tighten them as far as they can stand, then move their hands away. If you are feeling sadistic, you can always add an extra quarter turn or two.
Once you have a clamp in place, set conditions for having it removed. Now is the time to [playfully] blackmail all kinds of concessions from your submissive: verbally humiliating themselves, to begging - offering other acts of submission to obediently waiting for permission to stop the pain. You may want to count to ten before permitting the clamp’s removal as this gives a sense of impending release, leaving you free to toy with the timings. Alternatively, have your submissive count to ten, knowing that, if they count too fast, you will just make them start over - forcing them to draw out their own torment.
Letting Ice Melt
A single cube of ice, pushed in to the orifice of choice gives for a few minutes of bearable torment while your submissive is forced to wait for the ice to melt.
Chinese Water Torture
Traditionally, Chinese water torture involved an incessant dripping of water on to the victim’s forehead, driving them insane. More playfully, your submissive’s head can be replaced by their genitals. Having them lie in a bathtub, their legs spread, their most sensitive parts beneath a slowly dripping tap or shower head gives them constant sensation without necessarily providing enough to reach orgasm.The range of uses for this style of play are almost limitless: from punishment for a misdemeanor to having them spend half an hour before a scheduled online meeting being worked in to a state of desperate readiness.
Tack Inserts
If you want to take pain public, you may want to consider making tac inserts for their underwear.All an insert needs consist of are two identical strips of cardboard. Through one, push as many thumb tacks as you can. Then staple the other over the back, holding the tacks in place. Triangles fit the front of underwear well, while ellipses fit in to the cups of bras.
Once you have made the inserts, have your submissive wear them while out and about. They will provide a constant stimulus without becoming too painful - unless pressure is applied.
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This page was last updated on Monday 17th 2011f October 2011